A friend of OTR that we’d rather not name tipped us off to a site called Dickipedia.org. You guessed it, it’s Wikipedia for people that are dickheads. So, we figure we’ll post some of the sports-related entries.
Today, Lance Armstrong:
Early Life
Lance Armstrong began his dick time trials as Lance Edward Gunderson, son of Linda Gayle Mooneyham and Eddie Charles Gunderson. The two named him, for some reason, after Lance Rentzel, a middling Dallas Cowboys wide receiver best known for indecently exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl. Lance took the last name Armstrong from one of the three more husbands his mother would go on to have, astutely recognizing that he’d get a lot further in life as an Armstrong than a Gunderson.
Armstrong also goes by the nickname Mellow Johnny, adapted from “Maille Jaune,” which is French for “I use the fact that I had cancer as an excuse for doing things like taking steroids and divorcing my wife so I could nail an Olsen twin.”
Racing
Lance Armstrong is best known for winning the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times, leading many to consider him the world’s greatest cyclist. This is a dubious distinction, considering that cycling is arguably the world’s gayest sport, evinced by the vast quantity of Spandex and the fact that so many French people love it.
To some, Armstrong’s performance in the Alps stages of the race is an incredible physical feat, on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis. To detractors, it is little more than the product of continuous training, also on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis.
Nevertheless, Lance Armstrong is credited with revolutionizing the sport, most notably in bringing together a wide array of sponsors to fund, train, and outfit himself. Armstrong was a pioneer in taking this NASCAR-esque approach to bike racing, only without the alcoholism and confederate flag bikinis.
In addition to rigorous training, Lance Armstrong owes his success to several outside factors, including a higher lung capacity than the average person, a 30% larger heart, and much lower levels of lactate in his blood. Also, steroids. Some critics have even gone so far as to theorize that testicular cancer actually helped him win the Tour de France, a charge based on the phenomenon that eunuchs are more aerodynamic.
Lance Armstrong officially retired from racing on July 24, 2005, at the end of the Tour de France, coincidentally just minutes before the nurse showed up to test his blood.
Doping
Throughout his career, Lance Armstrong has continually denied using performance-enhancing drugs, an obvious indication that he has. Armstrong claims to be the “most tested athlete in the world,” having withstood various courtroom trials, official examinations, and reports by teammates, with no clear evidence of doping ever found. Many wonder why Roger Clemens never asked for consultation.
In 2005, responding to calls from the International Olympic Committee and the World Anti-Doping Agency, UCI, the world governing body of cycling, appointed Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman to conduct an independent study of Armstrong’s urine tests. He, too, found nothing, marking the first time a Dutchman was unable to find dope.
Cancering
Like fellow dick Rudy Giuliani, Lance Armstrong is a noted survivor of “man-part carcinoma.” He has since become the public face of cancer of the balls.
Armstrong’s treatment included brain and testicular surgery, extensive chemotherapy, and even more extensive self-promotion, most notably in the form of “Livestrong” bracelets. Thanks to him, half of all Americans are still walking around with ridiculous yellow rubber bands around their wrists. (In Armstrong’s defense, would you wear a bracelet that said “Liveunderson”?)
Personal Life
Lance Armstrong married Kristin Richard in 1998. After bearing him three children, caring for them while he spent up to half a year, every year, training in Spain, and then supporting him through major illness and recovery, Armstrong rewarded his wife by dumping her for singer-songwriter Cheryl Crow. He subsequently broke off his engagement to Ms. Crow after she was diagnosed with cancer. That, apparently, was too much of a downer for him.
In October 2007, he began dating Mary Kate Olsen. Or was it Ashley Olsen? No, it was Mary Kate. Whichever one it was, for a brief period, Armstrong was putting it to an anorexic ex-child star more than half his age. Not bad for a guy with one ball.
Post-Cycling
Since retirement, Lance Armstrong has focused his efforts on the Lance Armstrong Foundation and other interests, such as admiring his dimples in the mirror and going on talk shows wearing a sport coat/T-shirt combo.
Lance Armstrong also ran the New York City Marathon, making him the second high-profile dick to do so after P. Diddy in 2003.
Armstrong has even publicly contemplated entering politics. On more than one occasion, he has hinted at possibly running for governor of Texas, for which he is obviously well qualified via his high school GED and a life experience limited almost entirely to riding a bike, getting chemo, and appearing in Us Weekly.
Matthew McConaughey
By the way, he hangs out with Matthew McConaughey. All the time. They go jogging together, shirtless.
You are a first class dick and you know it. Hairy and stinky. You must have absolutely no self-worth and the only way pencil necks like you ever sleep at night is if when you put someone else down. You think you’re brave by hiding behind this crap but in real life my buddies and I would totally have you for breakfast. You might like us because we’re the powerlifting kind that could twist ya. You are definitely our type. Were you abused as a child? Mocked because of your girlish looks? or are you just totally confused? Hey anytime, anywhere.
You’re a douchebag. Anyone can put a legend down, as evidenced by the fact that the author just did. Good job at threatening people physically over the internet. “anytime, anywhere,” yeah, I’m sure the author will go out of his way to fight you, you childish tool.
Dad?
That sounds like Guilfoil. It’s well written without any grammatical errors. Usually douches that post steroid-charged comments like that will have typos because their fingers can’t keep up with their high balance of hormones. So, it’s either Guilfoil or a bored chick that hasn’t got any dick lately.
However, the post is accurate. Lance is a dick. He did Roids and PEDs.
Relax guys…I am a 14 year cancer survivor and volunteer for LAF. You have to see this for what it is..it is the Onion’s version of Wikipedia…it’s just a joke, hyperbole.
Right, thank you. And it’s not like we wrote it. We are just pasting it. We’ll be pasting more as we go. Tom Brady is coming shortly.
Looking for a big shoe to throw! SSSSSOOOOOO LOW! As Low as it gets!
Not funny.
Tasteless…absolutely tasteless.
Keep it real Lance. I want to see you run 26.2 miles again. It was fun running with ya in NYC.
You need to get your facts straight. Lance did not dump his wife for Sheryl Crow (note the spelling of Sheryl). He met Sheryl AFTER he and Kristin were divorced.
He did NOT dump Sheryl AFTER she had been diagnosed with cancer. They broke up and THEN she was diagnosed with it.
I get it. You don’t like Lance. Fine. But at least get your information straight.
To that I would say, click on the Dickipedia link and email them since THEY WROTE IT. How is this so difficult to understand? I don’t even think I read the whole thing. Christ.
It’s a fucking joke people. How is everyone so uptight about their favorite athletes. You don’t even know these people personally.
It seems that Dickipedia is roughly as accurate as Wikipedia.
I am not uptight over my favorite athlete. I just get weary with half-baked BS being passed off as fact.
And if you’re not going to take responsibility for it, why did you print it?
Nail on the head. I know Lance. I’ve race against the guy. What a dick. In the words of Yoda, “Giant penis, the guy is.”
Your piece is based entirely on urban legend. Armstrong didn’t meet his first wife until AFTER his cancer treatment…she didn’t get him through any part of his cancer or treatment. Armstrong was still subject to testing after the tour. He is subject to testing by the wcf at anytime and anywhere. It is the toughest single sporting event. You apparently are pathetic obviously trying to deal with feelings of sexual inadequacy due to your obvious homosexuality.
Man, I can’t believe they took down the Lance Armstrong Dickipedia page. That thing was spot on. That dude is a royal douche, and he cheated his way to the top of a sport in the height of its dirtiness, then got off while the other doped up stars got humiliated. Armstrong is the biggest fraud in American sports history… even bigger than Barry.
This article is very accurate. I grew up in East Plano in the same grade and schools at Armstrong. He was not so much a dick in elementary school, but by the time we were in PESH (high school) he was a first class dick! He not loyal to his friends and he’s completely dishonest.
All your retards in here are idiots. Lance cheats to get money. Gets money. Starts a foundation based on stolen money, Now you think he’s nearly equivalent to Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with all of you stupid people? “Get your facts straight”? There is nothing special about Mr. Gunderson.