Yes, it’s time for another Dickipedia entry. Why? Because it pisses you people off so much. AGAIN: We didn’t write this. Just copying and pasting (poorly, we might add).

The Olympic Games (born 776 BC) is an international multi-sport event, a contest to see which country’s chemists can concoct the least-detectable performance-enhancing drugs, brought to you by Visa—it’s everywhere you want to be—and a dick.

The original Olympic Games first took place in 776 BC in Olympia, Greece, the same year Ashur-Dan III succeeded his brother Shalmaneser IV as king of Assyria. (Coincidence?) Outlawed by the Romans in AD 393, the modern international Olympics started up again some 1500 years later, sponsored in part by Greek businessman Evangelos Zappas and Taco Bell, who remind you to think outside the bun.

To some, the Olympics are an opportunity for the nations of the world to come together in peace; to others they are a telltale sign of continuing globalization, and the unequal distribution of resources. To everyone, the Olympics are an excellent excuse to sit on the couch for two straight weeks firmly convinced you’re doing something worthwhile.

Notwithstanding, the Olympics have continued to thrive, with each successive Games adding more events, tighter lycra-spandex uniforms, and, as a result, increasingly egregious camel toe, or, in the case of male athletes, “moose knuckles.”

Participation in the Games has increased to the point that nearly every nation on earth is represented, even if it’s just one “athlete,” in one dinky event like the women’s 10m air pistol. This growth has caused numerous challenges, including boycotts, performance enhancing drugs, bribery, terrorism, and seriously mismatched commentators like Bill Walton covering co-ed speedwalking.

Thanks to the Olympics, no one really cares that Russia bombed the hell out of Georgia, that former vice presidential candidate John Edwards turns out to be a bastard factory, or that they finally unveiled a long-overdue bronze statue of the Fonz in Milwaukee.

Ancient Olympic Games

A central ritual in Ancient Greece, the original Olympic Games included events such as running, chariot racing, boxing, and wrestling. Contestants were men only, and competed naked, slathered in olive oil. This does little to dispel a certain long-held stereotype about the prevalent sexual preference of the male members of a certain Mediterranean country. Much as they do today, the Olympic contests alternated with feasting and human sacrifices.

The Olympics were outlawed in 393 AD by the Romans, who considered them a pagan festival. Of course, the Romans themselves continued to feed Christians to lions as live entertainment, but that was a religious thing, so it was okay.

Revival

While interest in the Olympics began to rekindle throughout the mid-nineteenth century, the man most responsible for reviving them was Pierre de Coubertin, searching for a reason why the French lost the Franco-Prussian War. He believed it was because they had not received proper physical education, and not because the French are just pansy-ass bitches. Which their performance in the Olympics has gone on to prove, time and again, thank you very much Alain Bernard.

Modern Olympics

It was not until 1906 that the Olympic movement began to attract a broader international field of participants and generate more widespread public interest, giving rise to the modern Olympic Games.

The first modern Olympics had many fewer disciplines than those of today. For instance, women’s beach volleyball wasn’t introduced until 1996. Before then, you could only masturbate to tennis, maybe diving. Never gymnastics, though—you could get arrested for that.

As participation in the Olympics has grown, so has its profile in the international media. In fact, the Olympic Games are one of the world’s largest media events. When the 2008 Summer Olympics end on August 24, it will most likely be the last time anyone under 70 tunes in to NBC for a long, long time.

Olympic Symbol

The Olympic movement uses several recognizable symbols. Of these, the most widely used are the Olympic Rings, which are also the most widely ordered side dish at the Olympic Diner on Eighth Avenue between 48th and 49th St. in Manhattan.

In 1968, the Olympic mascot was introduced, usually taking the form of a human or animal figure meant to represent the heritage of the host country. Examples include Misha the bear cub from the 1980 Moscow Games, or the 1992 Barcelona Games’ Cobi, the cubist Catalan sheepdog, whatever the hell that is. The mascot of the 2008 Beijing Summer Games is a 7 year-old girl lip-synching the Chinese national anthem in front of a digitally-enhanced fireworks display.

Olympic Ceremonies

Opening Ceremony

The most famous ceremony of the Olympics is the opening ceremony, which is kind of like a like longer, trippier Super Bowl Halftime show, pretty much only enjoyed by the kind of person who thinks it’s fun to spend two whole weeks at Disneyworld.

Closing Ceremony

There’s a closing ceremony?

Medal Ceremony

After medals are awarded, they are presented during a medals ceremony in which the flags of the three medalists are raised, the national anthem of the gold medalist is played, and Nastia Liukin’s dad looks totally pissed that his daughter only got silver.

Criticisms

Of course, something as large as the Olympics is bound to engender its share of criticism.

One of the main pieces of criticism facing the Olympics is the use of performance enhancing drugs by athletes. Especially in recent years, doping and masking techniques have grown far more sophisticated. As a result, the IOC introduced blood testing for the first time at the 2006 Winter Games. As a result, doping and masking techniques have grown even more sophisticated. As a result, immediate post-competition tests were made mandatory at the 2008 Summer Games. As a result, doping and masking techniques have grown even more sophisticated. As a result… you see how this works.

Another complaint is that most Olympic Games have been held in Western cities, and that all bids by African and South American countries have failed. That’s because those countries are bound to give everyone involved a debilitating case of the runs, and maybe malaria.