Owner, Jerry Buss:  On May 29th, 2007, this 75-year old Lakers owner was placed under arrest and booked for investigation of drunken driving and driving with a blood-alcoholic content of 0.08 and above.  He was pulled over shortly before 1am in his Mercedes-Benz station wagon after driving the wrong way.  Not the wrong way home, but the wrong side of the street.  And guess what was in his car?  You got it, a 23-year old girl woman.  Jerry has been there and done that, so I’m very confident he can financially manage a team destined to accumulate more fines, bonds, legal settlements, and forced charitable donations.

PHOTO CAPTION:  “I’m a lock for the All-NBA All-DUI third team.”

Coach, Eric Musselman:  On October 21, 2006, four months into his new head-coaching gig with the Sacramento Kings, Eric was cited for misdemeanor driving under the influence after getting pulled over in his Mercedes.  When I say ‘four months in’ I don’t mean into the season.  He hadn’t even coached a single, regular-season game before failing three sobriety tests and having a blood-alcohol level of .11.  Can’t be drinking and driving while  trying to make a right-hand turn from the left-hand lane, right Eric?  More importantly, Eric beat out his competition for this honor because he has coached some of the players on this very team.

Point Guard, Stephon Marbury:  On February 08, 2002, Stephon, who is currently hogging all of the economic bailout money, was booked into a city jail on charges of extreme DUI, DUI and speeding.  Extreme DUI you say?  Yes, this is when you have a blood alcohol level of .15 or higher in the state of Arizona.  Marbury, formerly known as ‘Starbury’ when he used to good at basketball, registered a .153.  Stephon’s ability to weave in and out of traffic and maintain a pace at high speeds is why he was awarded this roster spot.

Shooting Guard, Jason Richardson:  Just this past December on the 21st, Mr. Richardson was accused of driving under the influence of alcohol, failure to drive in one lane, and speeding.  Failure to drive in one lane?  There’s more than one lane to the basket my friends, and Jason is sure to find them.  On the Loop 101 freeway in Arizona he was pulled over in his 2008 Mercedes Benz.  Am I the only one that sees a pattern here?  Mercedes’ are either hard to drive while you’re drunk or definite cop magnets.  Furthermore, Jason was coached by Eric Musselman while playing for the Golden State Warriors in 2002-04, so he definitely understands the system.

Small Forward, Carmelo Anthony:  In April of 2008, Carmelo was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.  After being pulled over for weaving and not dimming his lights, he failed a series of sobriety tests (it was not reported if it was a best-of-seven series, where Carmelo is very used to failing, never getting out of the first round).  ‘Melo, ironically at a ‘mellow’ state of mind, was charged with DUI, making him a lock at the small forward position.  For the record, Anthony was driving a Mercedes.

Power Forward, Charles Barkley:  If you haven’t heard, this past New Years, Sir Charles was arrested, cited and released on suspicion of misdemeanor DUI and being impaired to the slightest degree.  After being pulled over in his Mercedes black Infinity SUV, he told police he was in a hurry to receive oral sex, or in layman’s terms ’sex in the mouth.’  Fortunately, Charles will also be the basketball analyst along side two football analysts making the leap over to basketball, DUI legends Warren Moon and Ken Stabler.

Center, Manute Bol:  Almost 21 years ago, 7′ 6″ Manute Bol was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated and resisting arrest.  Bol, 25 at the time, allegedly did not yield to fire trucks.  But in his defense, do they have fire trucks in the Sudan?  And with the whole resisting arrest thing, is anyone else picturing what I’m picturing?  A 7-6 Manute Bol getting out of a tiny 1988 Jetta, resisting arrest, and throwing punches at the cops who pulled him over?  Is Shawn Bradley one of the cops?  Anyway, why such a dark horse at center?  Easy, Manute was coached by Eric Musselman when he was on the West Palm Beachdogs (CBA) in the mid ’90s.

Feel free to chime in with anyone more deserving.