October 21, 2014

Dickipedia: Mel Kiper, Jr.

melkiperjrHere is the Dickipedia on Mel Kiper, Jr. We hate to post this (although we didn’t actually write it, it’s from Dickipedia.org, although some of you idiots will still ask why we wrote it) because he’s a friend of a friend. But it is NFL Draft time so we think it needs to be discussed.

Mel Kiper, Jr. (born July 25, 1960) is an ESPN analyst for the NFL draft, huge football nerd, and a dick. Since 1984, he has been a staple of ESPN’s annual draft coverage, which begins in May and extends through the following April.

While ESPN has a storied history of launching the careers of irritating commentators, Kiper is surely in the upper echelon. His achievements include appearing at 24 consecutive drafts and somehow interrupting every single ESPN show ever to air. He is the most recognizable dick in conjunction with the NFL draft.

It is important to note that, in regards to football, Kiper does not have actual coaching or playing experience, and has been able to designate himself an expert simply by saying so, loudly, many times, without anyone questioning it. This is standard dick behavior.

Early life

While attending Essex Community College in Baltimore, Kiper decided to become the kind of dick that runs an obnoxious business while they are in school. Thus, he founded Kiper Enterprises, a modestly named draft information company. While this business was less dickish than, say, stealing an idea for a future million dollar corporation and claiming the idea was your own, it is still more obnoxious than selling “Major League Beer Pong” T-shirts to freshmen.

The big board

One of Kiper’s most memorable contributions to the NFL draft is the “big board,” a large chart on which he analyzes the order in which players should be drafted based on incomprehensible, vaguely relevant statistics only Kiper understands (also known as “statis-dicks”). Prior to the big board’s appearance on internet, Kiper would physically attach players names to a large white board with dollops of excess hair gel.

Kiper was the first commentator to begin analyzing players in terms of their “draft stock.” In his quest to maintain the attention of his loud obnoxious enthusiastic fanbase, Kiper invented a system whereby a player’s “stock” rises and falls based on a variety of factors in the months leading up to the draft. These pre-draft months make up the optimal time for analyzing performance because talent scouts can focus on players’ public and private workouts rather than being distracted by the athletes’ other, less predictive activities, such as playing in football games.

Coach favorite

Many coaches and administrators enjoy hearing suggestions from Kiper. One big fan was Indianapolis Colts manager Bill Tobin who praised Kiper saying, “Who in the hell is Mel Kiper, anyway? I mean, here’s a guy who criticizes everybody, whoever they take. In my knowledge of him, he’s never even put on a jockstrap, he’s never been a player, he’s never been a coach, he’s never been a scout, he’s never been an administrator, and all of a sudden, he’s an expert. Mel Kiper has no more credentials to do what he’s doing than my neighbor, and my neighbor’s a postman and he doesn’t even have season tickets to the NFL.”

Proof of genius

Though a dick, Mel Kiper is an infallible genius when it comes to scouting future NFL talent.

* He once snidely remarked of the Colts, “That’s why [they] keep picking number two every year,” after their 1994 second overall selection. Kiper was widely critical of the Colts’ pick that year, Marshall Faulk, who turned out to be such a bust that he is expected to be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in the near future.

* In 2005, Kiper praised 8th overall selection, wide receiver Mike Williams, saying, “I’ll see you at his Hall of Fame induction.” Many people have yet to fully recognize the abilities Kiper saw in Williams. These people include coaches, fans, analysts, referees, the players on the teams he played for and against, and anyone else who has seen him in a football jersey. Williams’ journey to the Hall of Fame suffered a slight detour in 2007 when he stopped playing football and no one wanted to sign him.

* In 1999, he touted the potential of Oregon quarterback Akili Smith to exceed at the professional level. Fans have high hopes for Smith to have a great season this year and to make a big statement in his league.

* In 1998, Kiper argued that Ryan Leaf, 2nd overall pick, had an attitude that would be an asset in the NFL. He has since become one of professional football’s most notable quarterbacks.

* In 2001, Kiper predicted a dismal 0-16 season for the New England Patriots. The team finished slightly better than that prediction, managing to win just one Super Bowl the entire season.

Effect on fan culture

Kiper’s rapid and notable rise to prominence is directly proportional to the growth of the internet. While pre-internet, sports news consisted merely of the handful of things that could be covered on ESPN and the New York Post, the development of sports websites and the internet’s growing popularity led to a heightened demand for constant sports updates, most of which were increasingly irrelevant and served less to advance the sport and entertain fans and more to simply fill up ESPN Insider with content. Kiper was integral in this shift towards totally unnecessary reporting.

Through nonstop comprehensive coverage via articles and elaborate lists and charts, Kiper has managed to make great contributions to the incredible surplus of unimportant sports information on the web. In doing so, he has created a culture of ultra-zealous football fans that, to an uncomfortable degree, track and follow every tidbit of this information. While this development has allowed some fans greater access to information about their favorite players and teams, it has distracted many others from certain basic human activities, such as art, hygiene, and knowing how to talk to people without annoying them.

Hair

While cultural anthropologists have yet to prove that one’s hair is capable of being a dick in and of itself, it is thought that Kiper’s hair will be the first to hold the honor.