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“It will be a lawsuit in a week against ESPN,” Jones said. “That’s stupid. It’s so stupid I have no more comments.”

Well, according to PFT editor Mike Florio, who is actually an attorney, that would be a waste of time. Writes Florio:

“Before filing that lawsuit, Pacman or his lawyer would be wise to consider the concept of defamation. Yes, whenever false things are said about a public figure with knowledge that the statements are false or with reckless disregard as to their truth or falsity, liability technically arises.

“But the plaintiff’s damages are based on the injury to his pre-existing reputation.

“In this case, the plaintiff’s pre-existing reputation could not be much worse.”

Makes sense to us. In a way, we feel bad for Pacman. How could anyone suck this much at life? He was clearly not raised in an environment that provided him with any life skills at all. From high first-round draft pick to resorting to trying to sue a network because the 134th person in the last few years claimed he did something stupid. Wow.

We’d rather just shut it down than to run a boring, poorly updated blog, which is what OTR is starting to become.

We can’t thank all of our readers enough. You guys have all been great and we had a ton of fun playing with everyone. Maybe we’ll do it again some day. We could have just let the blog die slowly and not update it, but that’s not fair to anyone. We thought we would give OTR a proper burial by at least letting everyone know that we are calling it quits.

Memorial services will be held Sunday, December 21st at 2 PM at the Lodi, NJ YMCA.

You can send thoughts and regards to MPerry_77@hotmail.com and MicahW@feverpitchmedia.com.

Happy Holidays to all of those in OTR land!!

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From the memo:

“Yesterday, FoxSports reported that Brett Favre spent 60 to 90 minutes before the Week Two game between the Lions and the Packers educating the Detroit coaching staff regarding the Packers’ offensive strategies. WE HAVE BEEN TOLD BY RELIABLE SOURCES THIS REPORT IS NOT TRUE. We did NOT report it yesterday. Today, the NFL responded to the report, saying even if Favre did this he did not break any league rules. We are NOT reporting it today, because that would mean airing the erroneous report. DO NOT REPORT IT.”

Ummmm…Favre has publicly denied that the report is true and Lions head coach Rod Marinelli refuses to comment. Nothing to see here? We doubt it. ESPN is being a jackass again.

First of all, never trust a guy that pronounces a hard “g” in “Edgerrin.” The “g” is soft, as in “edge.” That was my first clue that Colonel Mustard was having a bad day.

Then when he listed Jason Avant as a player you should start in Week 2, I had officially found the candlestick in the library. Avant scored a TD the week before against Green Bay. But….he doesn’t even start for the Eagles. Yikes, dude.

Photo Caption: “Whatever I just said…ignore it.”

We might need some photo caption help in the comments.

I hope you are happy that you have thoroughly destroyed sports. Mike Myers is talking about golf while showing off his iPhone? Promoting “The Love Guru” while Timberlake talks about hosting th ESPY’s??? This is sports content? Screw you, ESPN. Way to cater to the average fan while alienating the true sports dorks. I’ve never used harsh
language in this blog, but I’m seriously pissed off right now.

ESPN, eat shit and die.

This is exactly what is wrong with ESPN. They act like Boston and New York are the only cities that anyone should care about. And then it snowballs from there. Lets talk about some other teams and young pitching prospects.

The Yankees suck this year. They are a half game back from being the worst team in their division. There’s 16 teams with a better record than them. Yet, all we hear is “Joba should be starting,” “Joba should be closing,” “Joba needs to settle down with his emotions,” and “Joba sucks a mean c*ck.” The latter not so much, but the three former all the freak’n time, every single week. Gimmie a break.

My request to the readers (because Micah and I know nothing about baseball) is informing us about other Joba-like pitchers out there. I doubt he is the only one worth hearing about every single day. Maybe he is the only one. Maybe I’m wrong about this. Maybe every sports fan should know Joba’s daily activities. Maybe Joba should do a daily blog about himself so we can really get tuned in. I mean, does Joba like to eat Honey Smacks? Is he allergic to anything? Has he ever had his heart broken? And if yes, can we find who she was and pee on her? Was it a him? I now think I need to know about all of these questions?

Actually, I don’t. Suck it Joba. Suck it ESPN. Suck it New York Yankees. Nobody cares about your Joba problem.

UPDATE: One of our loyal readers, the Sports Idiot, has informed us he keeps his readers up-to-date on pitchers-not-named Joba on his site. Check it out here.

“I’m very disappointed to hear Sen. Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts is near death because of a brain tumor,” said Madden. “I always hoped Senator Kennedy would live long enough to be assassinated.”

Yeeeeah….probably on the tasteless side. His time on air probably would have been better spent talking about what Rashard Mendenhall or Limas Sweed would bring to the Steelers offense.

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PHOTO CAPTION: ‘barry’ was kind enough to forward his school picture from this year.

I spoke to ‘barry’ last night to let him know he was receiving this award and I asked him to tell us a little bit about himself that the readers might not know. Before I could even get out the question ‘barry’ yelled out, “Tomorrow is Monopoly night. Baltic Ave is my favorite.”

With a little snicker I responded, “That’s great, ‘barry,’ that’s great. Tell us more?”

The conversation continued for about ten minutes before he had to finish up his life-sized Simon Birch sculpture for his LEGO contest this weekend. But let me highlight some interesting facts ‘barry’ wanted to share with OTR and you, the readers. His favorite sports team is the Charlotte Sting. He loves the WNBA, because he doesn’t feel dunking should be legal. “It’s too violent,” he said. ‘barry’s’ favorite color is dark orange. And he has a pet turtle named after his favorite person of all-time, ‘Skippy’ from Family Ties, who was played by Marc Price.

Before we ended our conversation I asked ‘barry’ what his favorite comment (or as he likes to say, ‘coment’) was on OTR’s site. He singled out this quote under a Chad Johnson article:

“no coment micah? hummmmm why? because the jimmey rollins”

“Because the jimmey rollins,” I don’t think Micah or myself could have summed it up better. Again, we salute you ‘barry’ as OTR’s Fan Of The Year. Don’t stop commenting. Continue your schooling to get that grammar perfected. And tell your friends that OTR did an article all about you, buddy. You are the best.

OTR Note: ‘barry’ is now commenting as ‘mark.’ I guess he doesn’t realize we can see his posts are coming from the same computer. You will soon see ‘mark’s’ aka ‘barry’s’ comments (same grammatical errors). They are currently in moderation.

“Discoveries in genetics, physiology and nanotechnology are creating new challenges to definitions of cheating. Sports executives including Atlanta Falcons President Rich McKay and former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound say a reconsideration of what’s fair may lead to more-invasive testing, rules designed for emerging technologies and even legalizing banned substances if they become so commonplace they confer no advantage.”

End excerpt.

Former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound? Are you kidding me? Dick Pound? I need to do more research. His full name is Richard William Duncan Pound. This is even more funny. Let’s say he uses his middle name as Will. Dick Will Pound? Honestly, how do you name your child Dick Pound? I apologize if there are any Dick Pounds that read this blog.

PHOTO CAPTION: Dick Pound shows that he measures up to the competition.

Alright, enough…read the article, it’s pretty good. And while you are on that site, check where the 10 year treasury is at to see if mortgage rates will go up or down tomorrow.

“Well, it’s not like I’m losing sleep over it, but I think any reasonable person rolls their eyes to a certain extent about that. It’s just not possible for a reasonable person to be that stoked up about 15 different sports topics every day — to have a passionate black-and white, thumbs up-thumbs-down opinion on every single sports topic. That just defies common sense. And yet if that’s the fuel on which this engine runs, then if you want to be on the air you have to come with a “take” on these topics that doesn’t allow for much subtlety or shades of gray. So everything is buy-sell, true-false, fact or fiction. But very, very few people I know view many topics that way.”

We agree. When was the last time you heard Jay Marriotti say, “Gee, I don’t want to buy or sell that. It’s just kind of whatever.”? Why does every sports topic have to be a dramatically polarizing one when it comes to ESPN? Just another line item in a list of reasons to hate ESPN and what they are doing to sports in America.

“Don’t worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out… uhhh… blown… blown out… Let’s think about what we need to do going forward, and they had… blown out.”

PHOTO CAPTION: “I wish people would understanded me. This has been blowed out of contexts.”

“Defensively, they’re solid. They have solid defenses.”

“You hear Andy Reid going online and say, Donovan McNabb is my starting quarterback.”

“Now the Colts are probably playing with more confidence than they ever have played since they been with the Indianapolis Colts.”

“They need to right the score to get revenge.”

“This will get you completely blowed out.”

“They did a good job flying around the football field and carowzing the football carrier.”

“Brady will put up monster numbers because he can throw.”

“You cannot change the stripes of a leopard.”

“The hill represent another rushing title this year for the season. For others watching this thing who’ve worked out on hills, this is a opportunity to build strength within.”

“…Go to Arizona, sharp as a whistle, and do some finishing touches, so we can go down in the Super Bowl and play our best football of the whole entire season

“The strength of the Patriots, their offense, got… DEBACLED.”

“That can be a swing their way eventually. I just hate to be the team that they winned it against.”

Coach K, Durham, NC: What did I ever do to you? What have I ever done to deserve all this criticism and ridiculing? I’ve collected three NCAA National Championships, 10 ACC Championships, 803 career wins with a winning percentage of .750, and in 2001 I was inducted into the Naismith Basketball Hall Of Fame. I don’t think somebody with that kind of resume deserves all these nasty words. Perry, I ask again, what has Duke or myself ever done to you?

Because of Billy King, Mr. Krysheskiezshiezky or however you spell it. I’ve been a suffering Sixers fan since Larry Brown left in 2003. You know why? You screwed with Billy King’s basketball head when he played for you in the late ’80s and Duke University didn’t provide him with a good enough education to be an effective general manager in the NBA. I blame all my sufferings on you and Duke. Can you help explain all those ridiculous contracts he gave out? Can you explain the trade for Chris Webber? Howa bout keeping Allen Iverson a 76er for five years too many? Finally, Ed Stefanski has righted the ship for my team, but I was lied to about you understanding basketball and Duke University being able to educate their students. Billy King is proof that you and Duke are frauds. That, Coach K, is why I don’t like you or the school you represent.

Kerry Collins, Tennessee: Settle down, Perry. Don’t let Coach K get you all fired up like that. Just relax. Do you know what I do when I’m all stressed out? I get drunk. Heck, when I played for the Panthers I used to get hammered at halftime. We would be getting killed and I’d be all upset, but a couple tugs from the bottle got me straight again. Booze is always the answer my friend.

Thanks, Kerry. You’ve come a long way since your Maxwell award in 1994. You represent Penn State well.

Roscoe Parrish, Buffalo: Kerry’s right, but make sure you aren’t driving a car while you’re all boozed up in Miami Beach at 4:30 in the morning. The cops always seem to find ya.

I’ll keep that in mind, Roscoe. Hey, did you know you were the first player in the NFL to score a rushing touchdown, a receiving touchdown, and a punt return touchdown last year? Drink to that my friend.

Ricky Williams, Miami: Can I smoke to that?

The pipe has caused you too many problems, Ricky. Can’t you put your focus back on football? You used to be one heck of a player. If you need to wear your helmet everywhere you go to escape, then that’s fine, but just put the pipe down.

Pacman Jones, Atlanta: Yo Perry. I have that stripper pole you wanted. Funny thing, a couple weeks ago I was interviewed on a radio station in Atlanta on 680-AM and I told’em it was mine. They brought up the whole strip club thing and how I can’t stay away, so I told’em I put a stripper’s pole in my house, which keeps me at home. How great is that?

Smart move. That’s probably what Roger Goodell was hoping you would do during your suspension from being arrested six times since you were drafted in the first round in 2005. But hey, can you get that pole up here by the NFL draft? I have big plans.

Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer, New York: Perry, you still getting that stripper’s pole for the draft party? I’m not sure if Ashley’s gonna come. I kinda got in some trouble.

Spitz, you don’t have to sign all your emails ‘Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer.’ I know who you are. I heard about the troubles, too. All over the news, buddy. Ashley was hot. I was looking forward to meeting her. But yes, just spoke to Pacman and he should be getting the stripper’s pole to me shortly. Don’t you think you should stay home with the wife? It’s up to you though.

Tank Johnson, Dallas: Perry, I got some extra guns if you want them. I really got no place for’em and I need to get rid of them.

I’m good, Tank. No needs.

Chris Henry, Cincinnatti: Do you know of anyone that’s trying to get rid of any guns?

I think Tank is, call him, Chris. Keep me in the loop with the whole Chad Johnson thing. Seems like Hoochie’s upset now, too. Might be your time to step in and make some noise again. Don’t use the whole gun angle, though. It only got you in trouble last time. That and providing alcohol to minors, driving without a valid license, the DUI, and all those substance abuse mishaps. Make your noise on the field. You got some talent. Keep in touch.

Sean Salisbury, California: Can I forward you my resume? I promise I won’t expose myself to any of your employees if you give me a shot at writing for your magazine.

So, if we don’t give you a shot at writing for our magazine there’s a chance you will expose yourself to our employees?

Mark Cuban, Dallas: Did you see last night’s game? We can’t beat any of the top teams and now we lost Dirk Nowitzki for two weeks. I’m second guessing myself about the trade that brought Jason Kidd here, Avery and I aren’t getting along, and Denver is only two games back from taking away our playoff spot. What the heck do I need to do, Perry?

Yeah, I saw that last night. Dirk going down really has you guys in a bind. Your team is still so soft in the middle. I hate to say it, but you guys might be done. Your run is over, Mark. Trade Dirk.

Stephen Jackson, Oakland: I dropped 31 points on the Lakers last night in L.A. We won the game. Big win for us. Only a matter a time till we leap frog the Mavs. I heard Dirk went down, that true? Have you seen my boy Monta Ellis play lately? This kid is 22 years old and can play. But back to me. Did you see me matching three pointers at the end of the game last night with Kobe. He hit one with 56 seconds left to pull within one. Then I hit one with 38 seconds left. Then Kobe hit one with 30 seconds left. Then I hit another with eight seconds left. I was so happy I coulda shot a gun.

Yeah, good shooting. I love watching you guys play. You can beat anyone. And that Monta kid can play. I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to begin. This is going to be the best post season of basketball in a long time. Right now you guys would play the Hornets. Things change on a day to day basis, but you guys can beat them. And don’t be shooting guns anymore. Get rid of them. My boy Chris will buy’em off you if you want to get rid. You got the Lakers again tonight, Jax, so good luck.

Shaquille O’Neal, Phoenix: I’m back baby and we’re starting to click. Seven in a row and one game back from the number one spot. I love that diesel truck horn they play at the US Airways Arena when I score.

I counted you guys out three weeks ago, nice rebound. The Suns are definitely contenders again. I knew you had one more run in ya.

Dick Vitale, Durham: I needa T.O. baby. Derek Rose is a Diaper Dandy, a PTPer!!! Yeah baby.

Shut the F up!

***Note to the readers: These emails are not actually from these people***

If you would like to get your email posted in the next ‘Perry’s Mailbag,’ shoot your question or comment to mperry_77@hotmail.com.

Woods has now won five straight PGA Tour events and hasn’t lost a tournament in seven months. He is completely dominating the golf world. Hopefully, Tiger can keep it going and stay hot through April for the Masters starting on April 10th.

Ok, not really, but we did make it better.

Photo Caption: The official Off The Record newsroom has many clocks.

Bill, from Philadelphia: Do you really think the Eagles are going to get a wide receiver? Fitz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave, from Philadelphia: Which wide receiver are the Eagles gonna get?

Greg, from Philadelphia: What are the chances that the Eagles are going to trade for a receiver? Give me Fitzgerald now.

John, from Philadelphia: I want the Eagles to get Fitzgerald or Williams? What are the possibilities and which receiver do the Eagles have a better shot at getting?

Apparently, people in Philadelphia have two things in common. They all want a big name receiver and everyone’s first name contains only four letters. Okay, we all know by now that the Eagles are gunning for a wide receiver. That is fact. There is only one variable. An organization that currently employs one of these receivers has to agree to trade them. From OTR’s source, we know that the Eagles are targeting Fitzgerald first. If Fitzgerald is not going to be available, they will target Roy Williams or Chad Johnson. OTR has yet to confirm the Holt rumor or any other wide receiver rumor. We are working on that. In my opinion, and this is not based on fact, but pure speculation, I feel the Philadelphia Eagles will land Larry Fitzgerald within two weeks (I’m just having fun here, because this is the guy I want). Alright, so sit tight and be patient, but FYI, they still aren’t close down there in Arizona. Let’s move on, because there’s other sports to talk about.

Steve, from Mendham: Are the Larry Fitzgerald rumors true? What position would he play for with the Eagles if they drafted him?

Steve, buddy, c’mon. You’re killing me over here. Steve, your question reminds me of when Joe Theismann said, “The word �genius� isn�t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Sometimes you need to just shake your head.

Chad, from South Jersey: Brett Myers instead of Cole Hamels? Are they worried about Brett’s confidence? What doesn’t that do to Hamels confidence? Is Hamels getting the season opener and Myers the home opener or is it the other way around?

Before I address all of your awesome questions, let me say this. Cole Hamels is a douche. All he does is whine. I can see him annoying Philadelphia within two years and getting his ass kicked out of town by angry fans. Do you know who else is annoying? 610 WIP’s Rhea Hughes. What has she ever said that was relevant or informing? But yes Chad, Brett Myers is starting opening day over Cole Hamels. I don’t think they are worried about Brett’s confidence at all. I believe they want Brett to be the leader of this pitching staff. This will be his seventh year as a Phillie and as the veteran of this staff he should be the leader. Chad, you also ask, “What doesn’t that do to Hamels confidence? Interesting way to phrase that question. I do think it does nothing to his confidence, Chad. Furthermore, the season opener is the home opener, so Brett is getting both. Hamels has a hot wife though. And I don’t think she gets beat in the face late at night in downtown Boston.

PHOTO CAPTION: Cole Hamel’s wife, Heidi Strobel (blonde), also competed on Survivor.

Howard in Philly: You guys have great inside info on the Eagles. Being a member of the media myself, I have never gotten tips like you are getting. Do you have any advice that would help me get a leg up?

Stop doing Burger King commercials and focus on your job.

Adam, from Blue Bell: Perry, keep up the good work. Please post more NASCAR and auto racing articles. And don’t forget some more chick articles and some pics as well.

Yes, yes, I know. I got completely pulled off track (no pun intended) with the whole NFL free agency thing. Even one of OTR’s favorite drivers, Tony Stewart, was injured last week at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. And man, I love those chicks, too. Those dumb ones in Hollywood that get all drunk and stupid. Then they get in their fancy cars and drive them into telephone poles. Then they cry and go to rehab. Then they become sober again, which sucks, but then they get drunk again, because they really aren’t good at anything else. Then they pose nude in magazines to cover their legal bills. Then they have kids that get taken away from them. So, they get drunk and drive cars all wasted. How great are they? How great are they, Adam? I need to write more about them. And the pics, well I hope you like the one of Heidi Strobel, but I’ll post another one for you of Adriana Lima.

PHOTO CAPTION: It doesn’t get much better than Adriana Lima.

Micah, from Off The Record: Dude, if you don’t get the mailbag done and on my desk by Friday morning, you are done. FINISHED!! And when your finished cleaning my dishes, don’t forget to wash my car and cook me and my girl dinner.

This is why OTR runs so efficiently. I have to respect my boss, he gets things done.

Ben, from Warrington: Perry, I get the impression from your article on Duke that you are an ACC hater. Did ACC students used to beat you up and steal your milk money?

You should have gotten the impression that I hate Duke. You know what’s funny about Duke lovers? They always think they’re tough beating us up and stealing our milk money, but they don’t realize our beer money is in the other pocket. Jokes on them.

Thanks again for all your responses. I’ll try to post this segment at least every other week, so keep the emails flowing. If you want your question, suggestion, or comment posted, shoot me an email at mperry_77@hotmail.com.

I’m sure our readers have plenty of questions and we want to answer them the best we can tomorrow. Even if you have a comment or merely a suggestion for OTR, send it our way. I have plenty of questions to address already from the previous week, but a lot has happened since then, so fire when ready.

I understand the 600-pound gorilla that is the NFL has completely taken over all sports talk since free agency started, but I want to talk about anything my readers want to discuss. As always, thank you everyone for your support. Send all your questions, comments, or suggestions to mperry_77@hotmail.com. Please put Perry’s Mailbag in the subject line and leave your first name and the town you reside in. OTR would love to know where our fan base is spreading to. And Ben from Warrington, thank you for patiently waiting. I will address your question tomorrow.

PHOTO CAPTION: Don’t tell Johnny The Gorilla, but the NFL is not the only sport to talk about.

PHOTO CAPTION: “I love myself and being unemployed.”

Salisbury didn�t even have a good playing career. He sucked at that, too. He averaged 764 passing yards and 4 TDs per year with a career passer rating of 72. Furthermore, he is 0-4 in playoff games. Seriously, do we need to be listening to this guy tell us how to play football? Does Mischa Barton give advice on how to drive a car sober? No, Salisbury sucked at football and Barton only drives drunk.

Former Eagle and Viking Cris Carter will replace Salisbury. I�m sure some of us will miss the weekly verbal battles between Clayton and Salisbury, but at least we will get some better insight on the game of football from a player that has actually done something in the NFL. Salisbury fans can follow Sean�s career on Cinemax where he will be starring in soft porn.

Hopefully, this will be a preview of a match-up we will see in the playoffs. In the past two seasons, the Suns have knocked the Lakers out of the playoffs, but this year the Lakers are 2-1 versus their Arizona rival. The Western Conference is absolutely stacked like Rose McGowan and this game showcases two of the best tonight. NBA fan or not, this is must-see television. I�m rooting for Kobe.

Check the archives! There is a ton of good stuff in there and it’s easy to find what you are looking for. We like to constantly update the site to keep you the reader informed. Perry doesn’t drive from Pennsylvania to our Manhattan offices to hand-deliver stories for his health. It’s actually taken a bit of a toll on his health, but we think the blood will go away when the coughing stops.

Anyway, I digress. So that’s my answer: Check the archives!

mperry_77@hotmail.com