There are quite a few athletes that might want to read that article, so pass it around if you are friends with some of them. And I’m not talking about Donovan McNabb because I think his “choking” is much overrated.

We’d rather just shut it down than to run a boring, poorly updated blog, which is what OTR is starting to become.

We can’t thank all of our readers enough. You guys have all been great and we had a ton of fun playing with everyone. Maybe we’ll do it again some day. We could have just let the blog die slowly and not update it, but that’s not fair to anyone. We thought we would give OTR a proper burial by at least letting everyone know that we are calling it quits.

Memorial services will be held Sunday, December 21st at 2 PM at the Lodi, NJ YMCA.

You can send thoughts and regards to MPerry_77@hotmail.com and MicahW@feverpitchmedia.com.

Happy Holidays to all of those in OTR land!!

NBA: $584,570,587 (Highest-earning, Lebron James $40,455,000)
MLB: $210,650,000 (Highest-earning, Alex Rodriguez $35,000,000)
PGA: $206,029,437 (Highest-earning, Tiger Woods $127,902,706)
NFL: $143,775,069 (Highest-earning, Peyton Manning $30,500,000)
NASCAR: $71,812,577 (Highest-earning, Dale Earnhardt Jr $27,221,970)
Boxing: $40,250,000 (Highest-earning, Floyd Mayweather Jr $40,250,000)

Wow, the NBA likes to rock the party?

[youtube 6abd6dR7BXM]

PHOTO CAPTION: ‘barry’ was kind enough to forward his school picture from this year.

I spoke to ‘barry’ last night to let him know he was receiving this award and I asked him to tell us a little bit about himself that the readers might not know. Before I could even get out the question ‘barry’ yelled out, “Tomorrow is Monopoly night. Baltic Ave is my favorite.”

With a little snicker I responded, “That’s great, ‘barry,’ that’s great. Tell us more?”

The conversation continued for about ten minutes before he had to finish up his life-sized Simon Birch sculpture for his LEGO contest this weekend. But let me highlight some interesting facts ‘barry’ wanted to share with OTR and you, the readers. His favorite sports team is the Charlotte Sting. He loves the WNBA, because he doesn’t feel dunking should be legal. “It’s too violent,” he said. ‘barry’s’ favorite color is dark orange. And he has a pet turtle named after his favorite person of all-time, ‘Skippy’ from Family Ties, who was played by Marc Price.

Before we ended our conversation I asked ‘barry’ what his favorite comment (or as he likes to say, ‘coment’) was on OTR’s site. He singled out this quote under a Chad Johnson article:

“no coment micah? hummmmm why? because the jimmey rollins”

“Because the jimmey rollins,” I don’t think Micah or myself could have summed it up better. Again, we salute you ‘barry’ as OTR’s Fan Of The Year. Don’t stop commenting. Continue your schooling to get that grammar perfected. And tell your friends that OTR did an article all about you, buddy. You are the best.

OTR Note: ‘barry’ is now commenting as ‘mark.’ I guess he doesn’t realize we can see his posts are coming from the same computer. You will soon see ‘mark’s’ aka ‘barry’s’ comments (same grammatical errors). They are currently in moderation.

“Discoveries in genetics, physiology and nanotechnology are creating new challenges to definitions of cheating. Sports executives including Atlanta Falcons President Rich McKay and former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound say a reconsideration of what’s fair may lead to more-invasive testing, rules designed for emerging technologies and even legalizing banned substances if they become so commonplace they confer no advantage.”

End excerpt.

Former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound? Are you kidding me? Dick Pound? I need to do more research. His full name is Richard William Duncan Pound. This is even more funny. Let’s say he uses his middle name as Will. Dick Will Pound? Honestly, how do you name your child Dick Pound? I apologize if there are any Dick Pounds that read this blog.

PHOTO CAPTION: Dick Pound shows that he measures up to the competition.

Alright, enough…read the article, it’s pretty good. And while you are on that site, check where the 10 year treasury is at to see if mortgage rates will go up or down tomorrow.

PHOTO CAPTION: John Rocker lets the fans know he has nothing to do with this story.

Canseco has been in the news lately with the release of his new book and the steroid allegations involving New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. This announcement only adds to Canseco’s love for the spotlight. Canseco has been competitively racing cars since he retired from baseball in 2004 for the ARL (Arena Racing League).

Joe Gibbs told reporters this morning, “The past is the past for him (Jose) and it’s time for him to move on. We will have an agreement set in place that will have him focus on racing and racing only. If he wants to be part of this team he will need to focus on Joe Gibbs Racing one hundred percent of the time.”

OTR wants to know what the steroid policy in NASCAR is?

Coach K, Durham, NC: What did I ever do to you? What have I ever done to deserve all this criticism and ridiculing? I’ve collected three NCAA National Championships, 10 ACC Championships, 803 career wins with a winning percentage of .750, and in 2001 I was inducted into the Naismith Basketball Hall Of Fame. I don’t think somebody with that kind of resume deserves all these nasty words. Perry, I ask again, what has Duke or myself ever done to you?

Because of Billy King, Mr. Krysheskiezshiezky or however you spell it. I’ve been a suffering Sixers fan since Larry Brown left in 2003. You know why? You screwed with Billy King’s basketball head when he played for you in the late ’80s and Duke University didn’t provide him with a good enough education to be an effective general manager in the NBA. I blame all my sufferings on you and Duke. Can you help explain all those ridiculous contracts he gave out? Can you explain the trade for Chris Webber? Howa bout keeping Allen Iverson a 76er for five years too many? Finally, Ed Stefanski has righted the ship for my team, but I was lied to about you understanding basketball and Duke University being able to educate their students. Billy King is proof that you and Duke are frauds. That, Coach K, is why I don’t like you or the school you represent.

Kerry Collins, Tennessee: Settle down, Perry. Don’t let Coach K get you all fired up like that. Just relax. Do you know what I do when I’m all stressed out? I get drunk. Heck, when I played for the Panthers I used to get hammered at halftime. We would be getting killed and I’d be all upset, but a couple tugs from the bottle got me straight again. Booze is always the answer my friend.

Thanks, Kerry. You’ve come a long way since your Maxwell award in 1994. You represent Penn State well.

Roscoe Parrish, Buffalo: Kerry’s right, but make sure you aren’t driving a car while you’re all boozed up in Miami Beach at 4:30 in the morning. The cops always seem to find ya.

I’ll keep that in mind, Roscoe. Hey, did you know you were the first player in the NFL to score a rushing touchdown, a receiving touchdown, and a punt return touchdown last year? Drink to that my friend.

Ricky Williams, Miami: Can I smoke to that?

The pipe has caused you too many problems, Ricky. Can’t you put your focus back on football? You used to be one heck of a player. If you need to wear your helmet everywhere you go to escape, then that’s fine, but just put the pipe down.

Pacman Jones, Atlanta: Yo Perry. I have that stripper pole you wanted. Funny thing, a couple weeks ago I was interviewed on a radio station in Atlanta on 680-AM and I told’em it was mine. They brought up the whole strip club thing and how I can’t stay away, so I told’em I put a stripper’s pole in my house, which keeps me at home. How great is that?

Smart move. That’s probably what Roger Goodell was hoping you would do during your suspension from being arrested six times since you were drafted in the first round in 2005. But hey, can you get that pole up here by the NFL draft? I have big plans.

Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer, New York: Perry, you still getting that stripper’s pole for the draft party? I’m not sure if Ashley’s gonna come. I kinda got in some trouble.

Spitz, you don’t have to sign all your emails ‘Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer.’ I know who you are. I heard about the troubles, too. All over the news, buddy. Ashley was hot. I was looking forward to meeting her. But yes, just spoke to Pacman and he should be getting the stripper’s pole to me shortly. Don’t you think you should stay home with the wife? It’s up to you though.

Tank Johnson, Dallas: Perry, I got some extra guns if you want them. I really got no place for’em and I need to get rid of them.

I’m good, Tank. No needs.

Chris Henry, Cincinnatti: Do you know of anyone that’s trying to get rid of any guns?

I think Tank is, call him, Chris. Keep me in the loop with the whole Chad Johnson thing. Seems like Hoochie’s upset now, too. Might be your time to step in and make some noise again. Don’t use the whole gun angle, though. It only got you in trouble last time. That and providing alcohol to minors, driving without a valid license, the DUI, and all those substance abuse mishaps. Make your noise on the field. You got some talent. Keep in touch.

Sean Salisbury, California: Can I forward you my resume? I promise I won’t expose myself to any of your employees if you give me a shot at writing for your magazine.

So, if we don’t give you a shot at writing for our magazine there’s a chance you will expose yourself to our employees?

Mark Cuban, Dallas: Did you see last night’s game? We can’t beat any of the top teams and now we lost Dirk Nowitzki for two weeks. I’m second guessing myself about the trade that brought Jason Kidd here, Avery and I aren’t getting along, and Denver is only two games back from taking away our playoff spot. What the heck do I need to do, Perry?

Yeah, I saw that last night. Dirk going down really has you guys in a bind. Your team is still so soft in the middle. I hate to say it, but you guys might be done. Your run is over, Mark. Trade Dirk.

Stephen Jackson, Oakland: I dropped 31 points on the Lakers last night in L.A. We won the game. Big win for us. Only a matter a time till we leap frog the Mavs. I heard Dirk went down, that true? Have you seen my boy Monta Ellis play lately? This kid is 22 years old and can play. But back to me. Did you see me matching three pointers at the end of the game last night with Kobe. He hit one with 56 seconds left to pull within one. Then I hit one with 38 seconds left. Then Kobe hit one with 30 seconds left. Then I hit another with eight seconds left. I was so happy I coulda shot a gun.

Yeah, good shooting. I love watching you guys play. You can beat anyone. And that Monta kid can play. I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to begin. This is going to be the best post season of basketball in a long time. Right now you guys would play the Hornets. Things change on a day to day basis, but you guys can beat them. And don’t be shooting guns anymore. Get rid of them. My boy Chris will buy’em off you if you want to get rid. You got the Lakers again tonight, Jax, so good luck.

Shaquille O’Neal, Phoenix: I’m back baby and we’re starting to click. Seven in a row and one game back from the number one spot. I love that diesel truck horn they play at the US Airways Arena when I score.

I counted you guys out three weeks ago, nice rebound. The Suns are definitely contenders again. I knew you had one more run in ya.

Dick Vitale, Durham: I needa T.O. baby. Derek Rose is a Diaper Dandy, a PTPer!!! Yeah baby.

Shut the F up!

***Note to the readers: These emails are not actually from these people***

If you would like to get your email posted in the next ‘Perry’s Mailbag,’ shoot your question or comment to mperry_77@hotmail.com.

Ok, not really, but we did make it better.

Photo Caption: The official Off The Record newsroom has many clocks.

Kyle Busch drives for Joe Gibbs Racing and his teammate, OTR favorite Tony Stewart, finished second with Dale Earnhardt Jr finishing third. Joe Gibbs Racing switched to the Toyota Camry car in 2008 even though they have had success with the Chevrolet cars in the past. This Toyota victory was the first for NASCAR Sprint Cup. Due to Gibbs’ recent success, former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher is looking to get in the racing business with his team of Kia Spectra drivers.

PHOTO CAPTION: When Kyle Busch isn’t racing, he’s usually wearing sun glasses and a backwards hat.

I find that weird.

Bill, from Philadelphia: Do you really think the Eagles are going to get a wide receiver? Fitz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave, from Philadelphia: Which wide receiver are the Eagles gonna get?

Greg, from Philadelphia: What are the chances that the Eagles are going to trade for a receiver? Give me Fitzgerald now.

John, from Philadelphia: I want the Eagles to get Fitzgerald or Williams? What are the possibilities and which receiver do the Eagles have a better shot at getting?

Apparently, people in Philadelphia have two things in common. They all want a big name receiver and everyone’s first name contains only four letters. Okay, we all know by now that the Eagles are gunning for a wide receiver. That is fact. There is only one variable. An organization that currently employs one of these receivers has to agree to trade them. From OTR’s source, we know that the Eagles are targeting Fitzgerald first. If Fitzgerald is not going to be available, they will target Roy Williams or Chad Johnson. OTR has yet to confirm the Holt rumor or any other wide receiver rumor. We are working on that. In my opinion, and this is not based on fact, but pure speculation, I feel the Philadelphia Eagles will land Larry Fitzgerald within two weeks (I’m just having fun here, because this is the guy I want). Alright, so sit tight and be patient, but FYI, they still aren’t close down there in Arizona. Let’s move on, because there’s other sports to talk about.

Steve, from Mendham: Are the Larry Fitzgerald rumors true? What position would he play for with the Eagles if they drafted him?

Steve, buddy, c’mon. You’re killing me over here. Steve, your question reminds me of when Joe Theismann said, “The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Sometimes you need to just shake your head.

Chad, from South Jersey: Brett Myers instead of Cole Hamels? Are they worried about Brett’s confidence? What doesn’t that do to Hamels confidence? Is Hamels getting the season opener and Myers the home opener or is it the other way around?

Before I address all of your awesome questions, let me say this. Cole Hamels is a douche. All he does is whine. I can see him annoying Philadelphia within two years and getting his ass kicked out of town by angry fans. Do you know who else is annoying? 610 WIP’s Rhea Hughes. What has she ever said that was relevant or informing? But yes Chad, Brett Myers is starting opening day over Cole Hamels. I don’t think they are worried about Brett’s confidence at all. I believe they want Brett to be the leader of this pitching staff. This will be his seventh year as a Phillie and as the veteran of this staff he should be the leader. Chad, you also ask, “What doesn’t that do to Hamels confidence? Interesting way to phrase that question. I do think it does nothing to his confidence, Chad. Furthermore, the season opener is the home opener, so Brett is getting both. Hamels has a hot wife though. And I don’t think she gets beat in the face late at night in downtown Boston.

PHOTO CAPTION: Cole Hamel’s wife, Heidi Strobel (blonde), also competed on Survivor.

Howard in Philly: You guys have great inside info on the Eagles. Being a member of the media myself, I have never gotten tips like you are getting. Do you have any advice that would help me get a leg up?

Stop doing Burger King commercials and focus on your job.

Adam, from Blue Bell: Perry, keep up the good work. Please post more NASCAR and auto racing articles. And don’t forget some more chick articles and some pics as well.

Yes, yes, I know. I got completely pulled off track (no pun intended) with the whole NFL free agency thing. Even one of OTR’s favorite drivers, Tony Stewart, was injured last week at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. And man, I love those chicks, too. Those dumb ones in Hollywood that get all drunk and stupid. Then they get in their fancy cars and drive them into telephone poles. Then they cry and go to rehab. Then they become sober again, which sucks, but then they get drunk again, because they really aren’t good at anything else. Then they pose nude in magazines to cover their legal bills. Then they have kids that get taken away from them. So, they get drunk and drive cars all wasted. How great are they? How great are they, Adam? I need to write more about them. And the pics, well I hope you like the one of Heidi Strobel, but I’ll post another one for you of Adriana Lima.

PHOTO CAPTION: It doesn’t get much better than Adriana Lima.

Micah, from Off The Record: Dude, if you don’t get the mailbag done and on my desk by Friday morning, you are done. FINISHED!! And when your finished cleaning my dishes, don’t forget to wash my car and cook me and my girl dinner.

This is why OTR runs so efficiently. I have to respect my boss, he gets things done.

Ben, from Warrington: Perry, I get the impression from your article on Duke that you are an ACC hater. Did ACC students used to beat you up and steal your milk money?

You should have gotten the impression that I hate Duke. You know what’s funny about Duke lovers? They always think they’re tough beating us up and stealing our milk money, but they don’t realize our beer money is in the other pocket. Jokes on them.

Thanks again for all your responses. I’ll try to post this segment at least every other week, so keep the emails flowing. If you want your question, suggestion, or comment posted, shoot me an email at mperry_77@hotmail.com.

I’m sure our readers have plenty of questions and we want to answer them the best we can tomorrow. Even if you have a comment or merely a suggestion for OTR, send it our way. I have plenty of questions to address already from the previous week, but a lot has happened since then, so fire when ready.

I understand the 600-pound gorilla that is the NFL has completely taken over all sports talk since free agency started, but I want to talk about anything my readers want to discuss. As always, thank you everyone for your support. Send all your questions, comments, or suggestions to mperry_77@hotmail.com. Please put Perry’s Mailbag in the subject line and leave your first name and the town you reside in. OTR would love to know where our fan base is spreading to. And Ben from Warrington, thank you for patiently waiting. I will address your question tomorrow.

PHOTO CAPTION: Don’t tell Johnny The Gorilla, but the NFL is not the only sport to talk about.

Phil Mickelson was victorious this weekend at the Northern Trust Open played at Riviera Country Club in California. When watching this weekend and dissecting Phil’s swing, I concluded he was able to be on top of the leader board because Tiger Woods was not playing.

With around five laps to go in the Daytona 500, I started laughing. Coming off a caution, Tony Stewart (Ricky Bobby) maneuvered his car in front of Dale Earnhardt Jr (Cal Naughton Jr.) and it looked like they were about to perform the sling shot. With a chuckle, I belted out, “are you kidding me?” However, Casey Mears slammed into the wall and the caution came out. At the restart, Ricky Bobby took the lead with Ryan Newman on his ass like Lance Bass. With one lap to go, Ricky Bobby took the inside hoping to get a push from teammate, Kyle Busch, but it opened the outside up for Newman to get a big push from his teammate, Kurt Busch. Personally, that was a little too much ‘Busch’ for me. At the end, the Roger Penske race cars proved to be faster and Newman prevailed, getting his first Daytona 500 win.

New Orleans is host to the NBA all-stars this weekend and last night Dwight Howard and Gerald Green took center stage in one of the most creative dunk contests in recent history. Just like a horrible romantic comedy starring one of the Wilson brothers & one of the Jennifers, the dunk contest rolls around every year and we know what to expect. We see the same dunks, NBA players holding up signs with ‘9’s or 10’s (believed to be the number of women they’ve slept with over the weekend), and a panel of ex-dunk champs trying to be funny. Well, most of that was the same, except Howard and Green brought some new creativity to the building and Kobe held up a sign that read, “52 with one waiting.” Just kidding, Kobe’s a good guy. I don’t really think I can explain the dunks from last night and still make my deadline for this article, so I’ll let you watch them. However, I will let you know that the dunk contest involved Superman and a cup cake. Ironically, this is a similar plot to a new Paris Hilton sex video coming out? Check out the dunk highlights here.

In Las Vegas last night, Kelly “The Ghost” Pavlik won a unanimous decision over Jermain Taylor. I didn’t watch the fight, so I will not comment on what happened. What I will comment on is this question, “why was this fight on Pay-Per-View?” Seriously, boxing has some issues. I understand that there’s a lack of great boxers right now (compared to the past), especially in the heavyweight division (recently re-named the Rosie O’Donnell division), but the only way to get this sport popular again is to allow people to see these better fights without having to fork over $30 to $50 dollars. I will probably end up watching this fight when HBO airs it next weekend for free, but it won’t be the same. I will already know who won the fight and the pre-fight build up will be over. The only good thing is I will put $100 on Pavlik to win in a unanimous decision against my unsuspecting friend, Luke Decker, who will think the fight is live. You can watch the fight here, but don’t tell Decker.

Photo Caption: “You know what I could eat?……..this book right here!”

In a much-needed win, Syracuse University defeated the #8 ranked Hoyas of Georgetown 77-70. Syracuse is walking the same thin line as last year when they didn’t make the NCAA tournament despite being 21-9 (10-6 in the Big East). This year they are 17-9 (7-6 in the Big East), but a big win like this on their resume could allow them to squeak in like a disguised Michael Jackson at an all boys school. The Big East seems to be the most competitive conference this year from top to bottom with eight teams having a realistic shot at making the NCAA tournament. For Syracuse to be able to be considered, they will most likely need to win three out of their last five games and have a strong showing in the Big East tournament. Of those five games left, the Orangemen face three ranked teams (Notre Dame, Pittsburgh, Marquette) and an unranked, 20-6 Louisville team.

Finally, in my attempt to make NASCAR fun, my dedicated readers know that I have renamed three of the drivers based on ‘Talladega Nights.’ Tony Stewart (orange Home Depot car), playing the role of Ricky Bobby is starting 6th today in the Daytona 500. Dale Earnhardt Jr (starting 3rd in the AMP #88 car), is playing the role as Cal Naughton Jr. and Juan Pablo Montoya (starting 15th in the #42 Texaco car), is playing the role of Jean Girard. Less than two weeks ago I predicted Cal Naughton Jr. to win this race and I’m sticking to my guns like Allen Iverson in a weed deal. Nothing really more to say, so let me leave you with this great exchange from our two favorite drivers:

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky, if you turn on the stereo, how do you control the volume on the television?
Ricky Bobby: If you have the stereo on, why would you turn up the volume on the TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Cause I like to party.

START YOUR ENGINES!!!

Check the archives! There is a ton of good stuff in there and it’s easy to find what you are looking for. We like to constantly update the site to keep you the reader informed. Perry doesn’t drive from Pennsylvania to our Manhattan offices to hand-deliver stories for his health. It’s actually taken a bit of a toll on his health, but we think the blood will go away when the coughing stops.

Anyway, I digress. So that’s my answer: Check the archives!

Steven, from Mendham: “your a douche.”

Thanks Steven. Are you mad I called Roger a douche? “Your” grammar is about as good as purgery?

Tom, from Jersey: “I really liked your two articles on the NASCAR Talladega Nights story. It’s funny how I hate NASCAR but I love the movie. Ever think about writing an article about Blades of Glory?

And relate it to the current United States ice skating situations? I should have taped the Super Bowl and watched ESPN2 to catch up on that. I appreciate you liking my Shake and Bake articles, but I only could watch figure skating if they were performing their little spins as they tried to avoid Zdeno Chara coming at them at full speed.

Steven, from Mendham: “I was kidding, keep up the god work.”

Don’t worry, I’ll make sure St. Peter lets you thru the Gates of Heaven.

Frank, from Jersey: “What are you pointing at in your pictures?”

Good question. The girl I used to date had a mouth on her. She ran it all day long. Eventually, I had to take the upper hand. If I remember correctly, in that picture she told me to take my sun glasses off because I was inside. She said I looked stupid. So, I put my foot up on the chair, pointed at her (picture taken), then took them off and baked her cookies.

Bill, from Philly: “Who’s do you think the #1 pick in the NFL draft will be this year?”

Oooooohhhh….a sports question. Thanks Bill. I see Parcells drafting a QB. Parcells loved Romo and I think he sees a lot of Romo in Boston College, QB, Matt Ryan. The Dolphins have to take him and start building around a franchise QB. It’s not a QB heavy draft, but Matt Ryan seems to have the tools to excel in the NFL. You know what though….Jake Long (Michigan), OL, might be the best player in this draft. I’m just saying.

Steven, from Mendham: “I think Micah knows more stuff than you. He seems to write about things that matter and you write about celebrity girls. He carries you.”

Seriously, I received over 13 emails from this guy (in 2 days?). Micah probably does know more stuff than me, but I struck him out in whiffle ball last year.

Becky, from Delaware: “I think you’re funny. Keep it up.”

Don’t worry, Becky…..I’ll have no problem keeping it up.

Thanks again for all your responses. I’ll try to post this segment every Friday, so keep the emails flowing. Steven, settle down over there in Mendham. Everyone else, shoot me a line at mperry_77@hotmail.com.

mperry_77@hotmail.com

You with me now? Good. Let me explain the beauty of this event. As said before, this is a 70-lap race. This 70-lap race is broken into two segments. The first segment is a 20-lap sprint followed by a 10-minute intermission. This 10-minute intermission is actually a BEER BREAK! I doubt Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson throw any back, but I’m pretty sure if Tony LaRussa or Warren Moon were part of this you’d see two beer bonging animals racing around the track for the final 50 laps. I think I just thought of a way to make NASCAR more entertaining? Alright, back from my tangent.

The second segment is a final sprint of the remaining 50 laps. And last night, there was just a couple seconds that separated 18 cars at the finish line. But, of those 18 cars, Cal Naughton Jr. got to that line first. The only way he wasn’t winning was if Darryl Strawberry got to that line before him. And we all know how Darryl loves his lines? If he was nice, he’d share with his good buddy, Dwight Gooden. Whatever, I think the 10-minute beer break is cool. Go NASCAR!!!!!

Photo Caption: “….I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.”

Editor’s Note: The Editor does not find Talladega Nights to be funny in any way, shape or form. These are Perry’s views and his only. The Editor finds this movie to be funny like the Challenger explosion was funny. Meaning, it’s not at all.

The Dissection: Jean Girard was the French foreigner, driving the Perrier #55 car in Talladega Nights. Jean Girard was played by Sacha Baron Cohen aka Borat, VerNice! He goes by three names, huh? Well, so does Columbian foreigner, Juan Pablo Montoya, driver of the Texaco #42 car. We have a match. Some education…Montoya had one career win during his rookie season last year at the Telcel-Motorola 200 and finished 19th in last years Daytona 500. 19th place isn’t bad if it was the position in line you held to ‘legally’ deflower the Olsen twins. Next, Ricky Bobby, the driver of the Wonderbread #26 car. He was extremely loved, the most aggressive, and he had two first names. This one’s easy. He is Tony Stewart, the driver of the Home Depot #20 car. Some education…Stewart won 1999 NASCAR Rookie of the Year and finished 43rd (because of a crash) in last years Daytona 500. But, finishing 43rd is better than having to say, ‘Mom’ to Brittany Spears. Last and certainly not least, is Cal Naughton Jr. Let’s work with the thick hick accent and ‘Jr.’ You with me? Cal kinda sounds like Dale, so let me introduce Mr. Hendrick Motorsports himself, Dale Earnhardt Jr., driver of the Mountain Dew #88 car (I know my stuff). Some education…Jr. was named Most Popular Driver in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007, his last win was at the Crown Royal (a fantastic whiskey on the rocks) 400 in 2006, and finished 32nd (because of a crash) in last years Daytona 500. Hey, when you’re going 192 mph and a coked up Lindsay Lohan in her Mercedes-Benz convertible comes flying at you, you’re finishing 32nd. Don’t hold that against him.

The Interjection: I have no clue why I’m writing about NASCAR or what the hell I’m saying right now. I really don’t. The honest truth? I’m keeping it going!

The Prediction: First the Schedule: There’s two main races as follows…The Budweiser Shootout is this Saturday at 8:30pm & the Daytona 500 is Sunday the 17th at 3:20pm. This Saturday when you see the orange Home Depot car racing around the track, pretend it’s Ricky Bobby. Cause he’s gonna win. A little shake with a little bake. I picture my Jesus in a Home Depot car, racing around in circles hammered drunk! And for the Big Daddy 500? Well, it’s best summed up with this quote from Texas Ranger, ‘Chip, I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew!’ Yep, pretty much. Jr’s taking it down! Oh….and Montoya? You can Juan Pablo my……