There are quite a few athletes that might want to read that article, so pass it around if you are friends with some of them. And I’m not talking about Donovan McNabb because I think his “choking” is much overrated.

San Antonio police responded, “Who the hell is Josh Davis?”

PHOTO CAPTION: Leave the swimming to the mobula rays, Josh Davis, the mobula rays.

Davis told the San Antonio Express-News that a reward of a “couple thousands bucks” will be given to the person who returns the medals.

The San Antonio Express-News responded, “Who the hell are you?”

Lesson learned here?  If as a young adult you dedicate yourself  to the Olympics, your future will consist of losing your precious medals and driving a minivan with only a few thousand dollars to spare.

The Olympic Games (born 776 BC) is an international multi-sport event, a contest to see which country’s chemists can concoct the least-detectable performance-enhancing drugs, brought to you by Visa—it’s everywhere you want to be—and a dick.

The original Olympic Games first took place in 776 BC in Olympia, Greece, the same year Ashur-Dan III succeeded his brother Shalmaneser IV as king of Assyria. (Coincidence?) Outlawed by the Romans in AD 393, the modern international Olympics started up again some 1500 years later, sponsored in part by Greek businessman Evangelos Zappas and Taco Bell, who remind you to think outside the bun.

To some, the Olympics are an opportunity for the nations of the world to come together in peace; to others they are a telltale sign of continuing globalization, and the unequal distribution of resources. To everyone, the Olympics are an excellent excuse to sit on the couch for two straight weeks firmly convinced you’re doing something worthwhile.

Notwithstanding, the Olympics have continued to thrive, with each successive Games adding more events, tighter lycra-spandex uniforms, and, as a result, increasingly egregious camel toe, or, in the case of male athletes, “moose knuckles.”

Participation in the Games has increased to the point that nearly every nation on earth is represented, even if it’s just one “athlete,” in one dinky event like the women’s 10m air pistol. This growth has caused numerous challenges, including boycotts, performance enhancing drugs, bribery, terrorism, and seriously mismatched commentators like Bill Walton covering co-ed speedwalking.

Thanks to the Olympics, no one really cares that Russia bombed the hell out of Georgia, that former vice presidential candidate John Edwards turns out to be a bastard factory, or that they finally unveiled a long-overdue bronze statue of the Fonz in Milwaukee.

Ancient Olympic Games

A central ritual in Ancient Greece, the original Olympic Games included events such as running, chariot racing, boxing, and wrestling. Contestants were men only, and competed naked, slathered in olive oil. This does little to dispel a certain long-held stereotype about the prevalent sexual preference of the male members of a certain Mediterranean country. Much as they do today, the Olympic contests alternated with feasting and human sacrifices.

The Olympics were outlawed in 393 AD by the Romans, who considered them a pagan festival. Of course, the Romans themselves continued to feed Christians to lions as live entertainment, but that was a religious thing, so it was okay.

Revival

While interest in the Olympics began to rekindle throughout the mid-nineteenth century, the man most responsible for reviving them was Pierre de Coubertin, searching for a reason why the French lost the Franco-Prussian War. He believed it was because they had not received proper physical education, and not because the French are just pansy-ass bitches. Which their performance in the Olympics has gone on to prove, time and again, thank you very much Alain Bernard.

Modern Olympics

It was not until 1906 that the Olympic movement began to attract a broader international field of participants and generate more widespread public interest, giving rise to the modern Olympic Games.

The first modern Olympics had many fewer disciplines than those of today. For instance, women’s beach volleyball wasn’t introduced until 1996. Before then, you could only masturbate to tennis, maybe diving. Never gymnastics, though—you could get arrested for that.

As participation in the Olympics has grown, so has its profile in the international media. In fact, the Olympic Games are one of the world’s largest media events. When the 2008 Summer Olympics end on August 24, it will most likely be the last time anyone under 70 tunes in to NBC for a long, long time.

Olympic Symbol

The Olympic movement uses several recognizable symbols. Of these, the most widely used are the Olympic Rings, which are also the most widely ordered side dish at the Olympic Diner on Eighth Avenue between 48th and 49th St. in Manhattan.

In 1968, the Olympic mascot was introduced, usually taking the form of a human or animal figure meant to represent the heritage of the host country. Examples include Misha the bear cub from the 1980 Moscow Games, or the 1992 Barcelona Games’ Cobi, the cubist Catalan sheepdog, whatever the hell that is. The mascot of the 2008 Beijing Summer Games is a 7 year-old girl lip-synching the Chinese national anthem in front of a digitally-enhanced fireworks display.

Olympic Ceremonies

Opening Ceremony

The most famous ceremony of the Olympics is the opening ceremony, which is kind of like a like longer, trippier Super Bowl Halftime show, pretty much only enjoyed by the kind of person who thinks it’s fun to spend two whole weeks at Disneyworld.

Closing Ceremony

There’s a closing ceremony?

Medal Ceremony

After medals are awarded, they are presented during a medals ceremony in which the flags of the three medalists are raised, the national anthem of the gold medalist is played, and Nastia Liukin’s dad looks totally pissed that his daughter only got silver.

Criticisms

Of course, something as large as the Olympics is bound to engender its share of criticism.

One of the main pieces of criticism facing the Olympics is the use of performance enhancing drugs by athletes. Especially in recent years, doping and masking techniques have grown far more sophisticated. As a result, the IOC introduced blood testing for the first time at the 2006 Winter Games. As a result, doping and masking techniques have grown even more sophisticated. As a result, immediate post-competition tests were made mandatory at the 2008 Summer Games. As a result, doping and masking techniques have grown even more sophisticated. As a result… you see how this works.

Another complaint is that most Olympic Games have been held in Western cities, and that all bids by African and South American countries have failed. That’s because those countries are bound to give everyone involved a debilitating case of the runs, and maybe malaria.

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said in a statement written by someone else that he glanced over and approved after being told that this is what his sponsors wanted to hear. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Photo Caption: As far as you know, that’s Michael Phelps in that photo.

I’ll never get caught again. Not, “I won’t smoke pot again,” but, “I’ll make sure I get high in a more responsible environnment where there aren’t people around I don’t know with cameras again.”

Coedmagazine.com has a list of 10 professional athletes who are on Twitter. I’ve listed them here and you can click on their names to follow them:

-Giants QB Eli Manning (does he slur and lisp when he Tweets?)

-Snowboarder Shaun White

-NY Jets safety Kerry Rhodes

-Skateboarder Mike Vallely (who? Ok, if you say so)

-Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O’Neal

-Golfer Natalie Gulbis (mmmmmm…I’m not into celebs, but I’d follow her wherever. She’s got huuuge Tweets)

-Former 49er WR Jerry Rice

-Overexposed Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps

-Tennis player Andy Murray

-Bicyclist Lance Armstrong

We’d rather just shut it down than to run a boring, poorly updated blog, which is what OTR is starting to become.

We can’t thank all of our readers enough. You guys have all been great and we had a ton of fun playing with everyone. Maybe we’ll do it again some day. We could have just let the blog die slowly and not update it, but that’s not fair to anyone. We thought we would give OTR a proper burial by at least letting everyone know that we are calling it quits.

Memorial services will be held Sunday, December 21st at 2 PM at the Lodi, NJ YMCA.

You can send thoughts and regards to MPerry_77@hotmail.com and MicahW@feverpitchmedia.com.

Happy Holidays to all of those in OTR land!!

Kiko is a former legendary striker for the Spain National team whom he played for from 1992 to ‘98.  I’m not sure if I used the word ’whom’ correctly, but I will rely on our editing team to fix it if I’m wrong.  It’s what they get paid to do.

Let’s take this time to compare and contrast.  Torres uses the same open-handed technique that Kiko used to do (Bolt uses the index finger-point technique).  However, if you notice, Kiko has a slight turn at the waist as he diagnoally points.  Opposed to Torres’ style where he doesn’t turn his waist.  Kiko is pointing to what’s behind him as Torres is pointing to his side.  These different variations are mind-boggling and further proof that we have not seen the end of this until the pose has been perfected. 

Perry’s prediction:  Terrell Owens will breakout the best Bolt-Torres-Kiko pose of all-time during the 2008 NFL season.  Please stay tuned.

However, it does look like there is a slight difference in techniques.  Usain Bolt points diagonally to the sky with his index fingers (see post below).  Torres points with all fingers or one could say he uses the open-handed technique.  Very interesting.

The 24-year old Torres currently plays for the Liverpool soccer club and is a member of the Spain National team.  His nickname is ‘El Nino’ which means ‘The Kid.’  When I say soccer, I mean football.  Torres scored the game winning goal against Germany in the finals of the UEFA Euro 2008.  It was the only goal scored in the match.

The evolution of this pose is quite intriguing.  Can someone else deviate from Torres and Bolt and point with two fingers?  How about three?  Only time will tell sports fans, only time will tell.

I’m bringing him up now (not previously mentioned on this blog), because I have a feeling there will be many wide receivers in the NFL this season who will perform the ‘Usain Bolt pose’ after touchdowns.  Specifically, with touchdowns that show how ’speedy’ they are. 

I was watching the Seattle-San Diego preseason game last night and Charlie Frye connected with Nate Burleson on an impressive 68-yard touchdown pass.  Afterwards, you guessed it, the ’Usain Bolt pose.’  And I kind of liked it.  Not too flashy, very innocent, shows respect to Bolt, not unsportsmanlike, and quite entertaining.  Kinda like the Heisman pose, but better.

I don’t expect this celebration pose to end at Nate Burleson.  I’m actually not sure if Burleson is the only one to do it thus far.  I have so many other questions, too.  Which wide receivers will do it?  Which one will do it the best?  Will there be different variations?  Even with all these questions I’m positive that Usain Bolt’s celebratory pose will be a big part of the 2008 NFL season.  I needed to post this, it’s very important information.

PHOTO CAPTION:  Ara Abrahamian gets ready to Greco-Roman wrestle.

Actually, Ara didn’t test positive for steroids and that picture isn’t even Mr. Abrahamian.  Apparently during the medal ceremony, he took off his bronze medal and threw it on the ground as he walked away.

OTR completely agrees with these actions.  Micah once won a bronze medal during the 1992 Olympics in the women’s downhill skiing skeet shooting event.  At the medal ceremony he ripped off his bronze medal and threw it on the ground as he walked away.  So, you can see the similarities in these two situations.

Here is a blog entry from the USA/China Olympics basketball game. There was a particular part that caught my interest. She says the Chinese fans yell out “Jiayou!” to their team to get them going. What’s it mean? “Add oil!” (OTR does not approve of the environmental effects that this chant could have).

We think we should get that going in America. Should we yell “Jiayou” or just “Add oil!!” We’re thinking the latter.

A month later he plead guilty to driving while impaired and was ordered to 18 months probation.  He was also obligated to speak at high schools about drinking and driving and attended Mothers Against Drunk Driving meetings.

PHOTO CAPTION:  Michael Phelps relaxes before the 200 IM swimming race.

I wanted to let everyone know about this because of our upcoming Fantasy Turd League we are hosting.  Michael Phelps could be a nice sleeper pick for your turd team.

Chad took some shots at multi gold medalist Michael Phelps, “The problem with Michael Phelps is there’s no competition where he is,” Johnson said.  “Now if he came to where I’m from, which is the inner city, Liberty City [in Miami], I was the three-time Charles Hadley Pool champ. . . I know a couple people who could beat Michael Phelps right now.  Seriously, I’m telling you.  And I’m one of them.”

There’s one thing Chad does really well and that’s marketing himself.  He’s very similar to another great athlete that used to run his mouth about crazy things for publicity.  And that’s Mike Tyson.  I’m not saying Chad has the same mental issues that Tyson seems to have (I’m also not saying he doesn’t), but the both of them are very similar in how they act when selling themselves to the public.  Americans love famous crazy people.  If they didn’t, Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amy Winehouse wouldn’t be on every single magazine cover at the grocery store check-out line.

OTR is officially reporting that Phelps also has no real job skills. The odds of him being able to FedEx a package at the entry level position he’ll take when his body runs out and he’s no longer able to train for a sport/event that pays nothing are slim and none. His boss also won’t think it’s cute when he impishly shakes the gold medals on his neck as a response to why he wasn’t able to save an Excel sheet in the right format. At 35 years old, the only answer he’ll have as to why he never learned how to attach a file to an email will be, “I’ve been swimming for 30 years and winning gold medals, not learning how these fancy dancy computer gizmo thingy’s work.”

Phelps and these other Olympians better cash in on endorsement and marketing deals pronto. God forbid you win a bronze in rowing, because you are f’ed. All those years rowing don’t add up to real-world success. Hopefully you read books while on your little boat. Not too many Fortune 500 CEO’s scream in meetings, “I need someone that can close the deal on that Bank of America deal immediately, someone to meet with our biggest account in Sweden tomorrow morning, and someone to row me across the Hudson!”

Good luck to Michael Phelps and all of our great Olympians!

PHOTO CAPTION:  Speaking of John Collins, Tom Collins anyone?

Here are a few other things that flew under the radar this summer:

Washington D.C. actually has a major league baseball team called the Washington Nationals.  They are formerly known as the Montreal Expos.  Their nickname is “The Nats” because they annoy fans for sucking so much.

Fencing is an Olympic event and it has nothing to do with who can put up a fence the quickest.  China already has a wall that runs 4,000 miles.  They don’t need a fence.  However, the weapons used in fencing which are called foils, epees, and sabres are made out of recycled fence.

The WNBA continues to exist even though they average around $12 million annually in operating losses.  Nobody even knows when the season actually takes place.

Finally, whatever happened to Marvin Harrison and that gun incident?  That story was huge news and then it disappeared like Mischa Barton’s acting career.  Did you know that Mischa Barton is going to star in a film called, Don’t Fade Away?  Irony at it’s best.

So, if someone offered you all that, would you kiss a member of the women’s Chinese soccer team?

Why? Because we LOVE the Olympics!

Perry and I almost got into a fight during the Gold-medal round of women’s saber fencing. He started saying that my broad “is about to go down like a Saigon whore.” So I chucked an empty bottle of Early Times whiskey at him and flipped over the coffee table, yelling, “that’s bulls***!!” Then Perry and his next-door neighbor tackled me to the ground and subdued me with some sort of camel clutch thing. It sucked because my face was being held down in a week-old peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Perry had on his carpet. But in the end it was awesome because my girl won.

So anyway, the reason for this post: there is no way that these Chinese gymnast broads are 16-years old. No way. They look 12 or 13 at best.

PHOTO CAPTION: ‘barry’ was kind enough to forward his school picture from this year.

I spoke to ‘barry’ last night to let him know he was receiving this award and I asked him to tell us a little bit about himself that the readers might not know. Before I could even get out the question ‘barry’ yelled out, “Tomorrow is Monopoly night. Baltic Ave is my favorite.”

With a little snicker I responded, “That’s great, ‘barry,’ that’s great. Tell us more?”

The conversation continued for about ten minutes before he had to finish up his life-sized Simon Birch sculpture for his LEGO contest this weekend. But let me highlight some interesting facts ‘barry’ wanted to share with OTR and you, the readers. His favorite sports team is the Charlotte Sting. He loves the WNBA, because he doesn’t feel dunking should be legal. “It’s too violent,” he said. ‘barry’s’ favorite color is dark orange. And he has a pet turtle named after his favorite person of all-time, ‘Skippy’ from Family Ties, who was played by Marc Price.

Before we ended our conversation I asked ‘barry’ what his favorite comment (or as he likes to say, ‘coment’) was on OTR’s site. He singled out this quote under a Chad Johnson article:

“no coment micah? hummmmm why? because the jimmey rollins”

“Because the jimmey rollins,” I don’t think Micah or myself could have summed it up better. Again, we salute you ‘barry’ as OTR’s Fan Of The Year. Don’t stop commenting. Continue your schooling to get that grammar perfected. And tell your friends that OTR did an article all about you, buddy. You are the best.

OTR Note: ‘barry’ is now commenting as ‘mark.’ I guess he doesn’t realize we can see his posts are coming from the same computer. You will soon see ‘mark’s’ aka ‘barry’s’ comments (same grammatical errors). They are currently in moderation.

“Discoveries in genetics, physiology and nanotechnology are creating new challenges to definitions of cheating. Sports executives including Atlanta Falcons President Rich McKay and former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound say a reconsideration of what’s fair may lead to more-invasive testing, rules designed for emerging technologies and even legalizing banned substances if they become so commonplace they confer no advantage.”

End excerpt.

Former World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound? Are you kidding me? Dick Pound? I need to do more research. His full name is Richard William Duncan Pound. This is even more funny. Let’s say he uses his middle name as Will. Dick Will Pound? Honestly, how do you name your child Dick Pound? I apologize if there are any Dick Pounds that read this blog.

PHOTO CAPTION: Dick Pound shows that he measures up to the competition.

Alright, enough…read the article, it’s pretty good. And while you are on that site, check where the 10 year treasury is at to see if mortgage rates will go up or down tomorrow.

Coach K, Durham, NC: What did I ever do to you? What have I ever done to deserve all this criticism and ridiculing? I’ve collected three NCAA National Championships, 10 ACC Championships, 803 career wins with a winning percentage of .750, and in 2001 I was inducted into the Naismith Basketball Hall Of Fame. I don’t think somebody with that kind of resume deserves all these nasty words. Perry, I ask again, what has Duke or myself ever done to you?

Because of Billy King, Mr. Krysheskiezshiezky or however you spell it. I’ve been a suffering Sixers fan since Larry Brown left in 2003. You know why? You screwed with Billy King’s basketball head when he played for you in the late ’80s and Duke University didn’t provide him with a good enough education to be an effective general manager in the NBA. I blame all my sufferings on you and Duke. Can you help explain all those ridiculous contracts he gave out? Can you explain the trade for Chris Webber? Howa bout keeping Allen Iverson a 76er for five years too many? Finally, Ed Stefanski has righted the ship for my team, but I was lied to about you understanding basketball and Duke University being able to educate their students. Billy King is proof that you and Duke are frauds. That, Coach K, is why I don’t like you or the school you represent.

Kerry Collins, Tennessee: Settle down, Perry. Don’t let Coach K get you all fired up like that. Just relax. Do you know what I do when I’m all stressed out? I get drunk. Heck, when I played for the Panthers I used to get hammered at halftime. We would be getting killed and I’d be all upset, but a couple tugs from the bottle got me straight again. Booze is always the answer my friend.

Thanks, Kerry. You’ve come a long way since your Maxwell award in 1994. You represent Penn State well.

Roscoe Parrish, Buffalo: Kerry’s right, but make sure you aren’t driving a car while you’re all boozed up in Miami Beach at 4:30 in the morning. The cops always seem to find ya.

I’ll keep that in mind, Roscoe. Hey, did you know you were the first player in the NFL to score a rushing touchdown, a receiving touchdown, and a punt return touchdown last year? Drink to that my friend.

Ricky Williams, Miami: Can I smoke to that?

The pipe has caused you too many problems, Ricky. Can’t you put your focus back on football? You used to be one heck of a player. If you need to wear your helmet everywhere you go to escape, then that’s fine, but just put the pipe down.

Pacman Jones, Atlanta: Yo Perry. I have that stripper pole you wanted. Funny thing, a couple weeks ago I was interviewed on a radio station in Atlanta on 680-AM and I told’em it was mine. They brought up the whole strip club thing and how I can’t stay away, so I told’em I put a stripper’s pole in my house, which keeps me at home. How great is that?

Smart move. That’s probably what Roger Goodell was hoping you would do during your suspension from being arrested six times since you were drafted in the first round in 2005. But hey, can you get that pole up here by the NFL draft? I have big plans.

Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer, New York: Perry, you still getting that stripper’s pole for the draft party? I’m not sure if Ashley’s gonna come. I kinda got in some trouble.

Spitz, you don’t have to sign all your emails ‘Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer.’ I know who you are. I heard about the troubles, too. All over the news, buddy. Ashley was hot. I was looking forward to meeting her. But yes, just spoke to Pacman and he should be getting the stripper’s pole to me shortly. Don’t you think you should stay home with the wife? It’s up to you though.

Tank Johnson, Dallas: Perry, I got some extra guns if you want them. I really got no place for’em and I need to get rid of them.

I’m good, Tank. No needs.

Chris Henry, Cincinnatti: Do you know of anyone that’s trying to get rid of any guns?

I think Tank is, call him, Chris. Keep me in the loop with the whole Chad Johnson thing. Seems like Hoochie’s upset now, too. Might be your time to step in and make some noise again. Don’t use the whole gun angle, though. It only got you in trouble last time. That and providing alcohol to minors, driving without a valid license, the DUI, and all those substance abuse mishaps. Make your noise on the field. You got some talent. Keep in touch.

Sean Salisbury, California: Can I forward you my resume? I promise I won’t expose myself to any of your employees if you give me a shot at writing for your magazine.

So, if we don’t give you a shot at writing for our magazine there’s a chance you will expose yourself to our employees?

Mark Cuban, Dallas: Did you see last night’s game? We can’t beat any of the top teams and now we lost Dirk Nowitzki for two weeks. I’m second guessing myself about the trade that brought Jason Kidd here, Avery and I aren’t getting along, and Denver is only two games back from taking away our playoff spot. What the heck do I need to do, Perry?

Yeah, I saw that last night. Dirk going down really has you guys in a bind. Your team is still so soft in the middle. I hate to say it, but you guys might be done. Your run is over, Mark. Trade Dirk.

Stephen Jackson, Oakland: I dropped 31 points on the Lakers last night in L.A. We won the game. Big win for us. Only a matter a time till we leap frog the Mavs. I heard Dirk went down, that true? Have you seen my boy Monta Ellis play lately? This kid is 22 years old and can play. But back to me. Did you see me matching three pointers at the end of the game last night with Kobe. He hit one with 56 seconds left to pull within one. Then I hit one with 38 seconds left. Then Kobe hit one with 30 seconds left. Then I hit another with eight seconds left. I was so happy I coulda shot a gun.

Yeah, good shooting. I love watching you guys play. You can beat anyone. And that Monta kid can play. I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to begin. This is going to be the best post season of basketball in a long time. Right now you guys would play the Hornets. Things change on a day to day basis, but you guys can beat them. And don’t be shooting guns anymore. Get rid of them. My boy Chris will buy’em off you if you want to get rid. You got the Lakers again tonight, Jax, so good luck.

Shaquille O’Neal, Phoenix: I’m back baby and we’re starting to click. Seven in a row and one game back from the number one spot. I love that diesel truck horn they play at the US Airways Arena when I score.

I counted you guys out three weeks ago, nice rebound. The Suns are definitely contenders again. I knew you had one more run in ya.

Dick Vitale, Durham: I needa T.O. baby. Derek Rose is a Diaper Dandy, a PTPer!!! Yeah baby.

Shut the F up!

***Note to the readers: These emails are not actually from these people***

If you would like to get your email posted in the next ‘Perry’s Mailbag,’ shoot your question or comment to mperry_77@hotmail.com.

Ok, not really, but we did make it better.

Photo Caption: The official Off The Record newsroom has many clocks.

After seeing this photo of Jones, OTR sees no evidence of steroid use. Her stomach looks perfectly normal and no one should have ever suspected anything.

I’m sure our readers have plenty of questions and we want to answer them the best we can tomorrow. Even if you have a comment or merely a suggestion for OTR, send it our way. I have plenty of questions to address already from the previous week, but a lot has happened since then, so fire when ready.

I understand the 600-pound gorilla that is the NFL has completely taken over all sports talk since free agency started, but I want to talk about anything my readers want to discuss. As always, thank you everyone for your support. Send all your questions, comments, or suggestions to mperry_77@hotmail.com. Please put Perry’s Mailbag in the subject line and leave your first name and the town you reside in. OTR would love to know where our fan base is spreading to. And Ben from Warrington, thank you for patiently waiting. I will address your question tomorrow.

PHOTO CAPTION: Don’t tell Johnny The Gorilla, but the NFL is not the only sport to talk about.

Check the archives! There is a ton of good stuff in there and it’s easy to find what you are looking for. We like to constantly update the site to keep you the reader informed. Perry doesn’t drive from Pennsylvania to our Manhattan offices to hand-deliver stories for his health. It’s actually taken a bit of a toll on his health, but we think the blood will go away when the coughing stops.

Anyway, I digress. So that’s my answer: Check the archives!

mperry_77@hotmail.com