Before I tell you why I’m fired up about the Boston Bruins being awarded the # 2 overall pick in the 2010 NHL Draft lottery, I should probably let you know that I’m not REALLY a Bruins fan.

Hell,  as it is, I’m not all that much of a fan of the NHL as a product anymore either.

I think there’s too many teams in too many dumb places (Tampa! Phoenix! BOTH Carolinas!)

And not nearly enough star power for me to watch anything other than highlights (Crosby! Ovechkin! A cast of unshaved others who aren’t nearly as marketable!)

That said, this could all change if the Bruins # 2 pick turns out to be a stud on the level of the aforementioned NHL elite. See, from what I’m hearing (by listening to local sports radio!) and reading (via friend’s Facebook updates who also happen to be REAL Bruins fans!) this year’s top two prospects, Tyler Seguin or Taylor Hall could turn out to be just that.

Now, I’m not going to back up that statement with stats or research.

Hell no!

That would be boring and take real effort.

Nope, all I need is a little internet hype, and lunatic Bruins fans on the radio yelling things like ,”We’ll finally have a sick wing-ah!”

And that WOULD be sick.

Because as long as I’ve been alive (that’s 33 years) the Bruins haven’t had an electrifying player, ever.

*Cue irrational Bruins fans trying to find my home and burning it down*

Wait! Before you light my place on fire, let me explain.

Yes, I KNOW the Bruins have had big name players who locals LOVED, like Ray Bourque and Cam Neely. However, if you try to tell anyone (including yourself) that either of those two, or any of the countless “didn’t amount to dick” types (Craig Janney or Joe Thornton while he was here) could have ever been described as “electrifying”, you would be lying, and you know deep down that I’m right.

Think about it for a moment.

Has a Bruins player ever appeared on the cover of any of EA Sports NHL video game like Alexander Ovechkin or Mario Lemieux? (and NO, those 2 flailing defensemen, and an about to be deked out of his skates Andy Moog on the cover of NHL ’94 don’t count)

Nope.

Has a Bruins team that’s made the playoffs in the last 30 years had a player on any of those teams that ever made you think, “That fah-kin guy is an assassin! He’s a fah-kin threat to score every fah-kin time he touches the puck! We’re a shoo-in for the cup!”

Again, no.

Do I know WHY this is?

Well, no actually.

I mean sure, I COULD use the usual “Jacobs is a cheap asshole” excuse, but really, I don’t even know if that’s the case because again, I’m not even a REAL hockey fan.

What I DO know is that the Bruins have forever been the lunchpail, ass kicker, not a whole lot of zazz team that’s perfect for their insanely passionate blue-collar fan-base.

Well, it’s not perfect for ME, the casual/fake NHL fan who fiends for some semblance of local sports excitement during the sports hell that is the end of the Superbowl until the NFL Draft.

What can I say?

I want to be “wowed!” and all “ZOMG! He’s just notched his 64th goal! Who cares that they’re going to miss the playoffs by one point!”

I want to actually WANT to pay for tickets to see a guy like Pavel Bure (remember how filthy  THAT guy was?) in a B’s jersey, making everyone else on the ice look like a complete fool.

Then I want to read about him and his harem of insanely hot Russian girlfriends making out at some terrible Faneuil Hall nightspot in tomorrow’s Inside Track.

I just want to care about the Bruins for the first time since like 1991. The potential of either Seguin or Hall in a Bruins uniform (again, just based on what I’m hearing from Bruins psychos) could do just that.

So please Bruins brass, use this # 2 pick, and then cross your sticks and skates and hope to shit that he’s an instant superstar for the league. The NHL needs it, your hardcore fans need it, and most importantly: your potential bandwagon “pink-hat” fans who would like to care  (but really are just indifferent jerk-offs) need it.